Stress vs Safety in the Developing Brain.
When we talk about children’s behaviour, emotions, or learning, we’re really talking about one thing underneath it all:
the nervous system.
A child’s developing brain is constantly asking a simple question:
Am I safe right now — or am I under stress?
The answer to that question shapes everything from emotional regulation to behaviour, communication, and learning.
The developing brain is built through experience
In early childhood, the brain is growing at a rapid pace.
Neural connections are formed and strengthened through everyday experiences — especially those involving relationships.
But the brain doesn’t develop in neutral conditions.
It develops in environments that feel:
safe
stressful
predictable
overwhelming
And the brain adapts accordingly.
What stress looks like in the developing brain
Stress isn’t always loud or dramatic.
In young children, stress can come from:
sensory overload
constant transitions
pressure to meet expectations before they’re ready
separation from caregivers
emotional overwhelm
masking or “holding it together” all day
When stress is frequent or prolonged, the brain prioritises survival over learning.
You may notice:
increased meltdowns or shutdowns
difficulty with attention or impulse control
regression in skills
heightened anxiety
resistance or avoidance
This isn’t defiance.
It’s a nervous system doing its job — protecting the child.
What safety does for the brain
When a child feels safe, the brain shifts into a state where growth can happen.
Safety doesn’t mean the absence of challenge.
It means the presence of support.
In a state of safety:
the thinking brain comes online
emotional regulation becomes more accessible
communication improves
curiosity and play emerge
learning becomes possible
This is why children often thrive in environments where they feel understood, not pressured.
Safety is built through connection, not control
Young children don’t regulate themselves in isolation.
They borrow regulation from the adults around them.
Safety is created when children experience:
predictable routines
emotionally available caregivers
calm, responsive interactions
repair after rupture
acceptance of their nervous system needs
This doesn’t mean permissive parenting.
It means developmentally appropriate support.
Why stress-based approaches backfire
When children are overwhelmed, strategies that rely on:
consequences
reasoning
rewards
“calm down” demands
often increase stress rather than reduce it.
That’s because a dysregulated brain cannot access logic or learning.
Regulation must come before behaviour change.
This matters even more for neurodivergent children
Neurodivergent children often experience:
heightened sensory input
increased nervous system reactivity
slower recovery from stress
greater emotional load
This means they may spend more time in stress states — not because they’re misbehaving, but because their system is working harder.
For these children, safety isn’t a bonus.
It’s a prerequisite.
What supporting safety can look like
Supporting a child’s sense of safety may involve:
reducing demands during overwhelm
supporting transitions gently
using play as regulation
validating emotions without needing to fix them
co-regulating through calm presence
These experiences shape the brain over time.
They teach the nervous system:
I can feel big things and still be safe.
A gentle reframe for parents
If your child seems reactive, anxious, or “on edge”, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
It may mean their nervous system needs more safety — not more pressure.
And safety isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about being responsive, consistent, and connected.
How play-based support helps
Play therapy and early intervention support safety by:
meeting children where they are developmentally
supporting regulation through relationship
allowing expression without pressure
strengthening nervous system resilience
When children feel safe, skills follow.
Final thought
The developing brain doesn’t ask:
“Am I behaving well?”
It asks:
“Am I safe enough to grow?”
When we lead with safety, we support not just behaviour — but the whole child.
Support for your family
If your child is struggling with regulation, anxiety, or big emotions, gentle, play-based support can help build safety in their nervous system.
Support is available with or without a diagnosis.
👉 Learn more about my services or get in touch here.
